This is the most truth I can express about how I feel daily. I feel dissatisfied. I can not escape the feeling of being misplaced but I try really hard. I try very hard to escape. I have tried escaping expectations. I rebel against any internal or external expectations. I fail to conquer my dissatisfaction. The men in my life can not understand me because I demand an intellectual and sexual honesty that is emotionally unknown to them. The women in my life can not stand that I dare to misbehave. That I am asocial to the point of forgetting about them, even if I know it is just for a while.
The men and women in my life find it easy to abandon me.
My independence has created an immediate void which I must admit I enjoy too much. I am addicted to the freedom of youth. The abuse I faced as a child has made me determined to never return to a loss of control. So I have structured the chaos of my mind so magnificently that it inspires me to function. I drive myself physically to live a life I can justify to myself. But the men and women in my life think my experiences are curated. “You are not a person, you are a brand.” They despise me for not misstepping. They do not understand I can not afford mistakes. Being alone is a very strange reality. It means falling back is not always an option.
They do not realise I am a woman.
It takes an unimaginable strength to take responsibility for your actions as a woman. Your body has limitations and you try to not let it hinder. Your voice has limitations and you try to not let it hinder. Your words have limitations. Your thoughts have limitations. Your relationships have limitations.
You try so damn hard to never let it hinder.
You build your ideas and your beliefs without limitations then you try staying true to them. That makes you resourceful. That makes you focused. Then things that should shake you become ordinary and you never get fazed. Every difficulty is a war you need to win. Rape, abortion, violence – they are just social extremes. For you it becomes another bump in the road.
You are just flying through it all like a fucking queen.
The only person worth competing against is yourself. The only achievement is being unpredictably excellent. That seems like an ‘impossibly’ high standard to everyone else. “You are hard on others and you are even harder on yourself.” But what else is there to vie for? If I am honest – ‘Impossible’ is the idea of mediocrity that society has stuck to me. ‘Impossible’ are the aesthetics deemed artistic enough for appreciation. ‘Impossible’ is the categorisation that my education, career, name implies.
So beauty remains out of my reach.
My only weakness is love. Despite contradictions, it is honestly quite easy for me to fall in love. And any love I receive is a blessing. “Nobody will ever love you!” I was 5 years old when they said that to me. I have refused to believe it. As I grow older, the world becomes more alien to me and I more alienated to the world. And as the distance grows, those words seem to become prophetic. But I learnt I didn’t need anyone to love me. I learnt to stop treating love as a thing. I learnt to stop treating love as a feeling. I learnt to stop treating love as a sensation. So love became a truth uncaring of my affections. Love stopped being in constant transit, to and fro. It began to be.
I learnt to just move along with love.
But much of me is still under repair. I don’t believe anymore in giving or receiving forgiveness. Because virtue is a thing of constructed social morality and abiding by it means I also abide by the meanings of what is supposed to be good and bad. It might seem unnecessarily defiant but you have to understand, I have been hurt too much. The only thing that holds me together is my defiance. The only thing that keeps me together is rebellion. It sits with me quietly inside, I don’t have capacity for anyone else’s opposition, my own keeps me very occupied. Once in a while I defer to emotion, to passion, to desire. Once in a while I sing a song for someone. Once in a while I chase kittens around my room. None of it keeps me contained for long.
I have never known content but I continue to look for other motivations in life. I love restarting. I love being in unknown places where I am unknown. I love meeting strangers as long as they promise to remain estranged.
I am comfortable with rejection.