I have become a shadow of myself. Every hit I take, I get dented. My mind left scarred, bleeding – I wander looking for help. I am begging, pleading, for something to fall into place. But things only fall apart. I give up because I really don’t know what I am even looking for. What help do I need?
I wish I had answers but instead I hold my head in hands. My face turned downwards, covering my eyes. A voice calls out softly to me, forcing me to look up.
“Are you ok?”
And maybe because I am no more able to hold them back physically, no more pushing my eyes back with my palms, I cry.
The man sitting next to me on the plane apologises, “I’m sorry…”
“It’s ok, I am having a bad day.”
My phone buzzes. 1 new message. I open and read it.
Goodbye Nupur. I’ll see you soon.
I am sitting in the cab, looking onto the dark highway. It’s after twilight, and all we can see are the headlights reflecting off the road. I can feel us holding hands tighter, a few more hours of togetherness in the backseat of an old car.
I stare to my left at the distant fields as I feel him softly lower his head into my lap. He holds my right hand with both hands, burying his face into my thigh as and starts to weep.
I apologise, “I’m sorry.” It’s been an unusually stressful day.
I stroke his hair, running the curls through my fingers. I don’t know what I should say.
I am breathless as we rush towards the station, lugging the stupidly heavy bag behind me. I never knew how much to pack for cold weather and as we realise we have missed the train, I am deeply embarrassed by my error in judgement.
“Oh my god I am so sorry!”
“Wait, let me check what we can do. Stay here.”
I feel myself nodding nervously as he already walks away. I look around and see a man playing on the piano. There is a piano at the railway station. There are people rushing through the doors, fighting the wet winds outside. He comes back, there’s something wrong with the card, its not working. We walk over to a kiosk, try and make an online transaction to buy new tickets, but it doesn’t work.
We go out for a smoke, laugh about it. He comes up with a plan to fix it. He makes a run for the bank few stations away, I wait with our luggage.
He returns, we now have tickets for a train home 3 hours later. So much time to kill, but it passes by. We’re in the train, we are at the destination. We are walking to the car waiting for us. We are in his childhood bed. We are in the back of the car again. It’s time to go back. We are at the airport.
I am checking in, I say, “Can I come live with you?”
We’re drunk. We lie down in the cold tent, ready to pass out. I am cold, trying to cover myself with anything warm I can find. I am shivering but I have never felt happier.
“I’m having the best time.”
“Do you want some pancakes?”
“Yes! You are the best!”
“I’m gonna Instagram this shit!”
“I would like to apologise for not responding. What I did is horrible, and I’m really ashamed to have let you down. I would understand if you don’t ever forgive me. You’re great and the best but it makes no sense to go on. I need to make things simpler in my life, it all got so complicated. I’m really sorry. You have always been the greatest, and I sucked pretty hard. I’m really sorry. We need to live our own lives. I’m sure yours will be great, there’s no reason it wouldn’t.
“My life is not going to be great without you. If only I could make you see how depressed I have been just thinking about never seeing you again. The only reason you should not want to be with me is if you don’t love me. I will accept nothing else.”
What help do I need?