You won’t read this and I don’t care

There’s some deep foreboding that’s overtaken me recently. Maybe it’s just PMS, that shit is getting more insane with age.

I think everyone’s struggle with ‘finding a purpose’ is very useless. I think fame is useless. I think popularity, and any measure of it, is very useless.

But they all can get you money, which is very useful. And they help cover all your social insecurities. They help provide a sense of achievement, building of legacy – semblance of a worthy life.

Its just a dumbass obsession if you ask me.

There’s nothing that can replace living the authentic life. A full, complete life requires a complete detachment from performing for others. It requires a gritty involvement with our deepest emotions and serving their needs. It can be created with others and for others. But the process of creation needs to be owned valiantly by the individual.

There’s fear in losing relevance. A fear of losing prominence of thought. Its a fragile idea of superiority, that vertical axis of “success” which I hate so much.

All the ideas on authenticity are practiced and preached by men, for men. Women aren’t included in any description of these theories, which I find excessively strange because women have always been excellent at living authentic lives. The modern obsession around Stoicism has been entirely driven by men who believe testosterone is an important component of “resilience”. Ideas around virtue and toughness are all masculine. There are no concepts (unless written by feminists) which describe the power of fragility and vulnerability, as powerful and explained with the lives of women as context.

It pains me quite a bit because I now meet very important men, who don’t ever imagine that women have full lives. That women are complete humans with their own network of people, shared experiences, skills and their own power. It has a lot to do with their perceptions of success, their perceptions of fame. Men classify most things women do with phrases like “girl talk”, implying irrelevance. Their intentions of disengaging with women (and therefore feminists) are not patent to others, but they are themselves very well aware of this. Disengagement is blamed on irrationality, emotions of women. But it actually stems from not seeing women as their intellectual equals.

So if you as a woman dare to claim superiority, their attacks tend to focus on questioning your authenticity. Your “originality” comes under attack, your “knowledge” is in question. To prove most of these things, men have relied on names and numbers – a system entirely created and dominated by men, in my opinion. The CV culture of the successful cis-men.

It has been very absurd that I only came at a crossroads of this understanding because I have no memory for names and numbers. In what has now been diagnosed as a result of early (early) trauma, I am just not good at remembering details. And I have never been interested in amassing a following of supporters. So what am I left with in such moments of confrontation with powerful men?

The sense of reality that I have must always remain with me. I refuse to dissociate from my agency over my life, and get confused by a man’s metric of truth. It impedes not on my reality but, only in that moment, on my emotionality. Which as a woman I know all too well to manage.

Though it gets very hard to cut through every man’s deep seated bias against womanhood. And as you get used to being ignored, you forget convincing anyone is important at all. I’m not here to perform for them.

(2019)

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