Today I wake up I’m exhausted beyond description. I’m not sure I understand what we’re celebrating today either. I’m awake and aware I need to find a home, I need to keep my job – I need to keep functioning, I always do.
But the emotional baggage of men who have failed me is never distant. I said something last week behind closed doors, in confidence to a person – am I seeking validation from men? A whole week of unfortunate events has been unloaded and I’m looking back at the last Sunday, through today’s lens. I realise – fuck no.
Because if I did seek validation from men, I’d probably not be alive. Men have done nothing but tell me that I’m not enough. Strangers and unknown men, quick to make me feel small. My mind thinks back to every time a man has said to me I didn’t know music well enough. I don’t understand art. I don’t know technology. I am not good at business. I can’t write. Then these men almost always follow up their criticism with emotional or physical abuse.
So I am evidenced to be an uncultured dodo woman in the man world, trying to punch above her weight and failing. But hold on, am I even a woman? – they’ve asked. She doesn’t seem feminine enough – apparently they’re an expert on that too.
If my feminity has been questioned on my ability to be a mother, from today I will question every man’s masculinity on his ability to be a father. Because its so edgy for urban Indian men to proclaim atheism and say “I don’t want kids”. But the truth is they have no qualities to be a father. They don’t understand the burden they need to share if their partner bears or wants to bring children into the home. They don’t understand why belief in god may be a result of complete disbelief in humanity.
These men are neither masculine nor real. They can’t provide. They can’t support. They have no ability to encourage growth, build people or homes. They don’t know much except asserting their dominance through loud words and violent action. And yeah, they’re absolutely right. I’m much more masculine than they could even aspire to be.
So happy father’s day boys. Remember, I am your daddy.