can not feel love

What am I doing? I feel so abandoned and hopeless. I am not sure if I am even wanted in this world. I feel drained from giving away my love. I feel so very tired of helping, being kind. Being there for others. I don’t feel loved back, I just don’t.

I have friends who say nice things to me. They message me loveyous. But I don’t believe them. I don’t believe them at all. I believe they think I am nice, I am worthy of their time and attention, however small. But love? No. I think nobody loves me.

I think the world wants me to just destroy myself for it, but what do we get in return? What do I get in return? I want something I truly feel. Why doesn’t nothing feel real? Why doesn’t anything I receive feel like its mine? Why can’t I feel belonging? Why can’t I feel real?

Am I a real boy?

I just feel like a puppet. Wooden and lifeless. An object, not a living thing. Not a thing of beauty or for affection.

I am not a thing for love.

And what is love even? Is it there? Does it exist? Do I feel love or does it just create itself out of some instability of my emotional state? What the fucking fuck is love?

I am so tired of chasing it. I am tired of chasing something I neither understand nor believe. I am tired of this constant existential dilemma. I am so tired of feeling nothing but sadness and dread.

And I feel shame in asking these questions. I feel weak. I feel as if I must be so daft to not understand the rules of living. Can someone please, please, hand me the guide? I am done trying to figure it out. I really don’t know, I accept it. I need to be told.

So please, I request humbly, can someone tell me if this is real or am I just day dreaming again?

And what the FUCK is love?

(2019)

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