Fuck I really don’t know what I am planning on writing after a long time. I don’t know what this is going to be. So I will stop when I know I am done, if I am done.
What am I doing? I feel so abandoned and hopeless. I am not sure if I am even wanted in this world. I feel drained from giving away my love. I feel so very tired of helping, being kind. Being there for others. I don’t feel loved back, I just don’t.
I have friends who say nice things to me. They message me loveyous. But I don’t believe them. I don’t believe them at all. I believe they think I am nice, I am worthy of their time and attention, however small. But love? No. I think nobody loves me.
I think the world wants me to just destroy myself for it, but what do we get in return? What do I get in return? I want something I truly feel. Why doesn’t nothing feel real? Why doesn’t anything I receive feel like its mine? Why can’t I feel belonging? Why can’t I feel real?
Am I a real boy?
I just feel like a puppet. Wooden and lifeless. An object, not a living thing. Not a thing of beauty or for affection.
I am not a thing for love.
And what is love even? Is it there? Does it exist? Do I feel love or does it just create itself out of some instability of my emotional state? What the fucking fuck is love?
I am so tired of chasing it. I am tired of chasing something I neither understand nor believe. I am tired of this constant existential dilemma. I am so tired of feeling nothing but sadness and dread.
And I feel shame in asking these questions. I feel weak. I feel as if I must be so daft to not understand the rules of living. Can someone please, please, hand me the guide? I am done trying to figure it out. I really don’t know, I accept it. I need to be told.
So please, I request humbly, can someone tell me if this is real or am I just day dreaming again?
And what the FUCK is love?