I want to write this because I need to get this out of me.
I have been at the receiving end of physical abuse and threats of extreme violence from men all my life. I am tired that nobody even attempts to understand what it means.
It means that since my birth, my own family members were hurting me. I desperately left home 10 years ago, to escape that. I don’t know how, but I cut myself off from them slowly. And things changed. I changed. I became a different person when I finally had the chance to grow into my own idea of my self.
But that wasn’t ok with a lot of men around me. So there began the trouble with a lot of predatory behaviour and slut shaming. It became almost dangerous to remain within the confines of my campus. This was consistent during my schooling, undergrad and my masters, during 18 years of education, instead of understanding me and supporting me – people continued to call my speaking up as arrogance and my silence as snobbery. They don’t believe womxn. They never do.
They’ve been hearing these stories for a long time but they don’t care. Nothing moves them because they’re personally never going to be harmed by the simple fact that they exist. Their existence isn’t a problem to anyone else because they hide through constant sycophancy and people pleasing.
The worst thing has been, to be blamed for my own circumstances. I am still blamed for my own circumstances. I will always be blamed for being hated and I will always be the no. 1 reason for why I receive violence.
I don’t know if anything will ever be normal. I am trying to get help to stay sane. I thank the moment I spotted “a room of one’s own” in the library because I realised the importance to having an independent living situation at a very young age. I’ve been thriving but I have been essentially alone for the last 10 years. I have to thank the few people for being unconditional friends. I have had a couple of great romantic relationships but they don’t last because I don’t even understand togetherness. I don’t know how to seek what I need from the future, I don’t know how to navigate new relationships with people. I love deeply but I don’t know how to belong – and I have known this since I was 17.
I am 27 now and my experiences have been so vast, I can never have a man (or even a womxn) who is romantically interested in me, sit patiently and give me the comfort of understanding. I am tired of people being attracted to me, so vividly expressing their desires to have me, so passionately explaining how I am extraordinary – but not one willing to listen and help me heal.
I am not tired of going it alone, I’ve done it for a decade. Its not the most terrible thing at all. Independence of living alone to me means I am safe. Because these abuses I speak of are as latest as Dec 2018. And that’s why I am anonymous everywhere online.
The saddest thing which always makes me break down is – this is not my story alone. This is the story of millions of womxn around the world and things don’t seem to be changing. I hear the stories of the deaths of teenage womxn every day and I know the only reason to write this is because I survived.
Well fuck. We don’t know. Truth for now I guess. Who knows tomorrow.