I have never had a single place I can call home since I have been born. There is an extreme sensation of being lost which I genuinely enjoy. I don’t have any sense of belonging. The worst was that I didn’t know I was chasing it too. I didn’t know there was this massive dichotomy within me which was leading me into desperate confusion. How can you feel happiness at being lost when you are looking for stability? You have to simply look at your truth and choose. There absolutely is a reality because there is just one life we are all living. Tether yourself to a hill overlooking the floating endlessness of a sea. But stand somewhere firmly and decide to exist.
It motherfucking kills me. My feelings are so real to me. There is just too much that I derive from sensation. It varies from being to being, how much they delve into this consciousness. But if you do, if you delve into it, do it with deliberation. Do it with determination. Do it knowing it will kill you. There are shitty motivation posters which have removed the depth of this truth, but living is a process. Life is a journey. It will end and that is a certainty. But you choose to live it. You choose to feel. Accept that its fucking glorious. Its euphoric. If death is an outcome of this mania, let it come. When it comes the journey will have ended. The end of this consciousness will never be unknown.
This knowledge does not bring me happiness. I’m in the back of a taxi, shaking and holding back tears. It gets called courage. “Daring greatly”. I thought it was rage. I called it helplessness. “La nausée”. There’s too many fucking words, all with meanings. Trying to create a definition of something which in fact only exists in our consciousness. “How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?”.
Fuck meaning. If happiness is a feeling, I will call this sensation happiness and live it. This idea of control will drive you crazy. This idea of beauty will drive you insane. Choose to make a disaster of this fucking existence and call it perfect. Do it with a smile through violent tears. Just choose to do it. Because it truly doesn’t matter. You live for yourself. It is yours to own.