How am I to live?

Today I really can’t pretend that this world’s apathy towards my existence doesn’t affect me – because it does. It absolutely does.

My family put me into a shitty regional college so they’d have to pay less and I’d be closer to home – even though I got into a much better college apparently. I am not sure, my consent was never taken with regards to my education. It was expected to be treated as it was – a special gift to a girl child.

My peers constantly sabotaged my work and effort because I wasn’t as subservient to their “talent” as girls are supposed to be. I found it hard to place and speak up publicly about it because its hard. There’s no vocabulary given to a girl to describe her own discrimination at a young age. You’re expected to take what you get and keep carrying on. Be grateful you have any freedom and acknowledgement. How can you dare to ask for more when there’s no “more” for you.

Somewhere, I imagined my cis-men romantic partners will treat me better. Imagination is the right word for that too.

There’s nothing that describes better how I have always felt – caged. I have felt trapped in this idea of who I am supposed to be. I have been asked constantly to either conform or be prepared to bear the brunt of the world. As if the world finds it so difficult to be kind to me as I am. Because certainly there’s no way kindness can be expected for a non-conforming existence.

And there’s nothing else that describes what I absolutely seek – freedom. I want to do whatever the fuck I want. I want to live in a world where I can roam where I want, just as a man can. I don’t want to be a man. I don’t want to be a part of this masculine culture at all. I just want to have the complete insulation from consequences that men seem to have – but as a womxn.

But obviously that’s aspirational and reality kicks me in the gut everytime I dare to live that aspiration. As if its not enough to be told mean, horrible, nasty things always when you defy the word of a man. As if its not enough that they think it’s ok to reject you with physical violence. As if its not enough that my refusal to attach myself to a man is met with complete and total disregard for basic respect by anyone in this society. My intelligence is borrowed from other men, they say. The disrespect is a response to my defiance, they scream. They hurl abuses, caustic bullshit – expecting all of it to be forgiven and forgotten because they deserve complete impunity for their own existence.

So I am left with no option but to rebel. Everyone tells me I’m badass and brave though frankly I’m tired of hearing it. I’ve always been tired of being told how amazing I am. Its so hollow when the treatment of those men towards me remains the same. I’m not interested in empty flattery when the truth is that most men seek to simply hurt me with their words and actions. Most men find it astonishingly emasculating that I am who I am, I do as I please and live by my own rules – even though it does not at all curtail their freedom. Their abuse is a punishment for my free existence. They expect my silence and obedience.

They’ll get it over my dead body.

Fuck them. Fuck the world.

(2019)

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