A Feud With The World

I used to lose my temper a lot as a kid. I am regretful of it. Now when I do lose my temper, I get vigilant about my violence. It’s rare but it happens. I am aware I create a lot of violence by existing as myself on any given day. I must clarify, I create it much more with my words of rage against an unmoving world, than with any actions of harm against a feeling being. I create it the most against my own self. But I am aware of all the ways in which our existence creates violence.

Perhaps since I am aware that I was the first victim of violence I ever came to know, I am able to remain vigilant. I censor myself, I channel my rage. I learnt to use my violence to diminish the power of those who suppress liberty. In that, I have come to realise that violence is extremely personal. While it is explained to us as an outcome of a social existence, the act itself is a livid expression of a personal desire of destruction.

Therefore the understanding of peace and chaos is very different for those who experience violence intimately. The fulfillment of my desire for violence is when I feel most satisfaction. I can’t achieve peace through some karmic or spiritual practice of attaining a loss of internal chaos. I can’t comprehend a belief that requires me to reject violence. We are born in a violent world; chaos is our default. Blinding myself to this seems like a rejection of the thrill we get from expressing violence. As much as something breaks when you throw it, the rush you feel will always be more precious to me than the damage done to an object. I believe in indulging in my chaos. I want to express the rage I feel. I am determined to allow myself the freedom of expression which others only seem to take away from me.

As an agent of chaos, looking for peace in an unjust world – how do I preach non violence?

“But you do understand that chaos is not an absence of order, right?” Yes, I do. Those thousands of hours spent studying mathematical theories, I’m aware randomness becomes a function of itself. Eventually creating a pattern, however abstract, but beautiful. “Humans are meaning making animals”. We’ll find structure in anything that seems chaotic. As people of science, we will find a line to write down, describing the events, and call it a rule. Sometimes a law. But we will define what a phenomenon means to us. We seek explanation, simplification, and eventually order.

We provide that order to the world in all ways possible. We build fully functional toilets to allow visitors a passage into tall Himalayan mountains. We create harmony to soothe other’s nerves about the unexplored. We build bridges through structures and systems.

We are inherently beings created from the natural systems of this universe. And we have awareness more than we give ourselves permission for – we understand chaos.

How do we see this understanding?

Shifting Your Gaze

I wish the world would change its perspective on their appreciation of order. It is nothing but turning around for a different view. To look at disorder and be able to understand its beauty, without having to define it. Watch disorder and cherish it’s tenacity, instead of feeling fear for all that will perish. It is after all, the natural order of our world.

But that’s almost fighting all your social conditioning. Which is painful and hard. Learning to embrace what exists or happens without meaning is as awful as it sounds. However I find excessively, that senselessness is true serenity. Appreciating the total loss of control, order and meaning, is the only peace I have come to understand. Wouldn’t some call such a thing – ‘chaotic’? ‘Noise’ can be the sound of a waterfall in the mountains. And yet, standing beneath it is the most magnificent thing you can feel.

(2020)

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